HELP!

So long story short we need $6,000.

My PR group and I are putting on an event. The event is called "The Blanket of Hope Drive" and our goal is to make blankets for deployed soldiers. We are working with a non-profit called Soldiers Angels. (You can find out more about them at www.soldiersangels.org)

Here is our sponsorship letter:

Dear Potential Donor:

On Sunday, November 8, 2009, Titan PR, a student based group from The College of Communications at California State University, Fullerton will host the inaugural “Blankets for the Deployed Drive” in conjunction with Soldiers Angels. Soldiers Angels is a volunteer led organization, with over 200,000 volunteers, supporting America’s men and women in uniform. Soldiers Angels has been supporting veterans, wounded and deployed military personnel for over six years, and with your help, we can continue their mission: "May No Soldier Go Unloved, May No Soldier Walk Alone, May No Soldier Be Forgotten, Until They All Come Home"

Our “Blankets for the Deployed Drive” will create handmade blankets to deliver to our soldiers who are currently deployed. We look forward to working with families and friends in the surrounding communities to help make and decorate blankets for Soldiers. During the event, they will also have the opportunity to write letters/notes to soldiers, thanking them for their service and encouraging them with positive messages.

As an important part of the local community, we look to you for the donations necessary to make this event a success. Our goal is 2,000 yards of fabric or 500 handmade blankets. Each $20 donation will make two blankets. Your generous support will help cover the expenses needed to host an event of this size and will assist in buying supplies for the "Blankets for the Deployed Drive."

Being able to give back to Soldiers who are fighting for our country more than pays for this tax-deductible gift. On behalf of Soldiers Angels, Titan PR would like to thank you for your generosity in advance. In gratitude for your gift, Titan PR will provide you with a receipt for your tax-deductible donation. . If you have any questions, please contact us at TitanPR6@gmail.com.

Sincerely,

Titan PR & Soldiers Angels

Please send checks to:

Toni Ann Schifano

Titan PR Treasurer

Memo: Soldiers Angels

Mailing Address:

12615 Longleaf Dr.

La Mirada, CA 90638

We would love any support you can give us. $1 will even make a difference. If anyone has any questions or would like to make a donation, comment or email me!

10 Ways That I’ve Changed in 10 Years

  On August 11th, sitting in the home of my boyfriend (a rare event that he has been home with me), I realized it was the 10th anniversary of departing for Scotland.  As some of you may or may not know, La Serna High was chosen to attend and perform at the American High School Theatre Festival, a hanger on to the exciting Festival Fringe in Edinburgh. I  love this beautiful, amazing city for its history, food, culture and most importantly its love of theatre. Along with 22 other students and I set out on my first voyage on to European soil.  So as an homage to many of the things I remember 10 years ago, here is a list, in no particular order, of how I am different  10 years later. 

Sadly for Prince, we never hear his song anymore. I mean, because really, were the parties any different?  You remember, Y2K?  Yes, all of that was really 10 years ago.

1) Well the obvious, I’m older.  But wiser?  My entire life perspective has changed.  I grew up in a divorced house.  I don’t remember being sheltered, I don’t think I missed anything I wanted to see or do, but I do remember being extremely innocent going into the “adult” world when I turned 18.  I remember moving into the dorms and a 90 min conversation explaining to me what a bong was and how it worked.  I knew the word, and knew it dealt with drugs, but had no idea how.

So I am more wise to the ways of the world now. Does that make be better?  More informed or less innocent/naive?

2)  My views on religion have changed.  I no longer consider myself a Christian.  I was taken to church by my Mother who thought that it was a good idea for us to have some sort of grounding while the divorce was throwing us about.  I don’t know if she ever really got anything out of it, but we went anyway.

I never felt that I belonged.  I always felt that I was on the outside of some secret knowledge that everyone else had access to, yet some how I was never invited to the cool kids table.

In my protestant upbringing I was told that there was no way other than the way we were told.  The only way to God is through Jesus, and all others are doomed to hell.  I was so intent on being part of the in crowd, I believed this.  I was filled with hate and and ugly pride.  All others who did not think like me were evil.

I think this guy had some good ideas, in as Eddie Izzard would say a relaxed and groovy type way, but even his message has been muddled through out the years. (In case you’re wondering  Dressed to Kill was in 1999 as well!)

I have come to my own conclusions now that the God that the Bible teaches us about is a much more loving God than I was lead to believe, and its the crazy Christians that take that image and throw around words like “damnation” and “hell” to scare people into loving a bearded robed father like figure in the sky who is always watching you.  Yeah.  I’m not going for that one anymore, but for those whom it works, more peace to you.

The most important thing I have learned is there are innumerable paths to God, and each person has to find their own way. Along the way, love, love when you don’t want to and love unconditionally. Yes, I will fail, yes, I will stray.  But this concept of fire and eternal blackness does not exist for me.

To be continued…

Why are such pretty things so expensive?!

1.5 Carats of antique diamond for $9,500.

E-F color, and SI1-SI2.  I have no idea what that means.

 

 

 

or

  1.5 Carats of Tiffany diamond starting at $23,000.

 

 

 

Seriously? How can they get away with doing that? Just for the Tiffany name?  Jerks.

I like the other one better any way. So there!

Life comes at you fast~

It’s amazing how quickly time passes during the summer.  I am part of a generation that is always in a hurry. And this summer for me has been no exception.

Jonathan is on his way home. Finally.  It had been almost a week since I talked to him and I was starting to go a bit crazy.  I don’t like the not knowing.

Brittany and I went shopping yesterday for him.  He needs a few things for when he comes home.  I want to make this a stress free and easy for him. He deserves a lot of relax time.

This is the kind of horse I want someday.  A Gypsy Cob. Beautiful stout horses that were bred to be docile and strong.  Here is another picture of the coloring I like.  I guess they are known for their black and white patches, but I don’t like those colors too much.

Gosh, they’re sexy.  Yes, a sexy horse.  I also want to live somewhere like these horses live.  The first one is in Ireland (the horses name is Sir Tristan) and the second one is in Colorado. Beautiful. There are many pictures floating around the web of these magical creatures playing in the snow with their long hair and beautiful bodies.  Ugh. I need to be independently wealthy.

So if I’m posting pictures of things I like here is an exquisite ring.  I like it much more because it is old. It actually is from the art deco period, and not a modern replica. Artdecodiamonds.com has kept me wowed for hours and this one was one of the first ones that I happened to see.  I love the Tiffany Legacy ring, but this has more history, and the filigree there on the side is so delicate and beautiful, plus this has style and class.  And at only $9,000 its a steal. Heh, what do I know?  I just think its purdy! 

7 months ago I thought I was ready to get married. Right now that is a very scary thought. Its not that Jonathan won’t take care of me or love me or be there for me. He is possibly the best man I have ever dated.  I just don’t feel like I’m in a place to even consider that option right now. I want to be the best possible partner I can be, and I still feel like a teenager in many aspects.

My Uncle Roo Roo, or Uncle Richard passed away yesterday. It was hard for us to say Richard as kids so he was dubbed Uncle Roo Roo.  He had been suffering from cancer for over a year now.  He was at home, where he wanted to be, and he went how he wanted to go. He’s at least not suffering anymore, and I’m sure he’s with his wife of many years Aunt Ann who went a few years before him.

He was always very kind to me.  He always had the biggest ears,  white hair and smelled of grease and sweat.  He was a tinkerer.  He owned what we called put put machines that would grind corn into cornmeal and when he was younger he would take them various places and we’d go visit him. I remember one time, back when my Dad and Mom were still together seeing him and Aunt Ann at Knotts.

He let me sit on his lap even though I was too big to do so there for a while, unknown to me his painful back.  He was a favorite of mine to visit with.  He loved to travel and just last year he spent 4 months in Europe. His house was a marvel for children. There were lots of hidden rooms and clocks that covered every wall.  I did not know it then, but my Dad would take up that hobby as well. He grew all sorts of veggies in his back yard and had a compost pile. He was the brother of my Dad’s mother and all 3 of the siblings have the same skin, hair, and teeth. He always took a particular interest in my performing and would make an appearance if he could.

Somehow tempting fate my Grandfather turned 86 today. I called him on the way to work, but he was out at 8:30am walking the dog.  Despite his heart attack 4 years ago, he is still going relatively strong and keeps up with their Papillion, Sidney.  That’s him there in the maroon on Mother’s day. I was expo. :^/

My Uncle Bob, sitting next to my Mom in purple were raised in a house where you did not step out of line, and the man came home every night and ate and worked and went to sleep. There was no touchy feely stuff in that household. So today when I called him back after work, he told me he loved me 4 times.  That is a HUGE thing for him to do I’m sure, but at least he has figured out that it’s one thing you can never say too much. I’ve always been his favorite, I am the only granddaughter left!

Today is also the 4th anniversary of Doris’ death. Pat and Doris lived in the house next door to the one we grew up in. They came out here a young couple in the 1940’s on route 66.  They lost their youngest son in Vietnam, and their eldest never married.  We became their family. They were as close as grandparents, and I still consider them to be. She was a wonderful lady who taught me many things. To swim, to drink coke syrup when my stomach is upset, how to make strawberry jam, and where the stash of candy was. I think she is the reason now why I pee with the door shut, and I can’t stand it, and can’t go if I know someone can hear me pee.  Haha, sorry Doris, that is not your only legacy. You were a wonderful lady, mother, wife and adopted Grandma.

She slipped into dementia not long before the cancer started to eat away at her body. By the time they went to the doctors it was too late. My last memory of her is sitting in their den, dark in the summer to keep it cool, Doris slipping in and out of consciousness in one of her chairs. She was in a zip up robe, her hair disheveled and the uselessness of plucking your chin hairs when you’re dying staring back at me.

I have not dealt with death much, and this was a trial by fire in the worst way. Doris had not been Doris for about 5 months, and we sat quietly talking about how she was doing with her younger sister Flo, who had come out to help her die.  We had thought that every day would be her last for the past few days.  My Mom got up and I went over to her chair and hugged her frail little body and told her I loved her.  She looked at me, for the first time in months it was Doris, and said, “I love you too honey,” and that was the last thing she ever said to me.

I never properly grieved for her and I miss her still.

Today has been a rougher day than most in recent memory.

I keep waiting to be able to talk to Jonathan about all of this and what’s going to happen when he comes home, and how we’re going to do things. I was very frustrated today on the phone finally getting to talk to him and watching all of my hopes go down in flames.  I have to remember its not about me right now, its about him when he comes home and what he wants to do. Like so many times in life its not what you plan that happens.

I need to rest. I have to be back at the restaurant at 8am for a meeting then back again at 4.  My eye is twitching from lack of sleep. 

4 days till Jonathan is here. Where will I go from there?

Sweet Epona, carry me on clouds to dreamland.

My Yoga Journey Continues!

 

I have officially started another path in my yoga journey. Aside from the ridiculous amounts of money I have spent today (Nordstrom half yearly sale started) I also went to Freeman Yoga in Fullerton. 

Patrick Freeman was my yoga professor at CSUF this past semester, and gave us a free pass for one class. His studio is located in downtown Fullerton and I went to give it a try. 

I love yoga.  Don’t get me wrong, its hard. This class I took today was one of the hardest I’ve ever taken.  But as I sit here still covered in sweat, I feel great. I really dislike running.  I’ve been keeping up with that  too but I just love yoga.  The stretches, and poses the balance, all make me feel wonderful.  I am VERY bendy now. I always was to begin with, and it blows my mind that some people can run a 7 min mile but can’t touch their toes.  There is something missing there.

Half way through the class I knew what I was going to do. There is a special for CSUF students, $150 for 3 months of unlimited yoga. Alright, alright, I know what you’re thinking, $50 a month for yoga?  Really Drea is that all there is?  What’s so great about yoga and its practice is that its not just about the physical and you can make it what you want to.  There are spiritual and mental releases too. And the best part about it is, you get out of it, what you put into it.

Something is going on with me right now. When our instructor, a lovely little woman dressed in loud yellow pants with an equally loud orange tank top put on the sound system , the sound made me tear up. The yogi who taught his particular brand of yoga died on Monday and this class was in honor of him.  I felt like this is where I belong.  This is the path I’m supposed to take.  Its not going to be easy, but I know I will reap the rewards.

 

Unrelated, here’s a funny picture I found:

Can you name the movie? You’d better be able to, its so easy!

The Hardest Part Is Over….

I think….

Everyone says the hardest part is getting out of the door that first time.

Well, I did it today.

My second in a long line of steps toward completing a marathon.

I LOVE this!

Too bad it costs $350.  And I can do without the hat.

I could see some serious fun times in that….. ;)

I need 3 of these!

Designed to allow Rapid Eye Movement (REM), the ultra-soft Lights Out Sleep Mask promotes deep, rejuvenating slumber. Scientists have long known that REM sleep is the most crucial part of the sleep cycle. This lightweight, luxuriously cushioned mask blocks out light, and is specially molded to allow complete eye movement (unlike many eye shades that can press against your eyes) for a deeper, more restful sleep. Has an elasticized strap with Velcro closure for a comfortable fit. ( For my big German head)

 

I love these. I have slept almost every night now for over a year with one of these!  They make such a difference! I’m off to use mine now!

G’night!

Jonathan Wrote this for me…

I left the house in the evening. I was reluctant to walk away from the little get together my friends were at, but I had made a promise and I was going to keep it. I left my girlfriend in the care of the friend I trusted the most. The one most like me. The one who, years later would place the same trust in me. In retrospect it seems more than coincidental. Fate conspired against me from day one.

Even though my friend watched out for my girlfriend, my mind still thought of the things that could happen while I was gone. There was alcohol involved, and people I didn’t trust as much as I did him. And he couldn’t watch her every moment. And deep down I didn’t trust her. But it took more than that night to know why that particular girlfriend and I didn’t work out. The trust thing was just one of many issues, and in High School teenage boys aren’t as introspective as they would need to be to truly understand their feelings.

As I arrived at the theatre my mind was no longer with my girlfriend or the party. It was now on the task at hand and a different set of friends. A set of friends that I had to be different around. A set of friends that would never suspect where I had just come from. There was no room in my head to be thinking about what could be going on at the party. Especially knowing the intricacies of the stage that had been built, and the faith that the director had placed in me to run it. He had never worked with me before. He had only heard of me and needed someone with more experience than he had available to make the show work. It was the first time he had done this production on such a big stage, and the first time he had worked with anything resembling a proper set at this school. I wasn’t going to let him down.

I did the pre show work that needed to get done and then sat in the wings waiting for the show to start. The actors came in. Many of them were people I had never met before. These were choir people, singers, in the past we had never worked with them. Some of the faces were familiar and some I knew. I didn’t run with the same pack of friends all day every day, so everywhere I went there was someone I knew and could talk to. It went mostly as it always does, mostly. The faces I knew said hello and went about their business knowing they would have time to talk to me all night. The familiar faces saw me, saw the hint of recognition in my eyes and either nodded or looked bewildered and moved on. The faces that I didn’t know just passed by sometimes giving a quizzical look wondering who this guy that that didn’t belong was, and wondering why I looked so confident that I did.

Then something unexpected happened. She came in. Electricity shot straight out of her eyes and hit me square in the chest. My heart started beating faster and then she smiled. All of a sudden my guard was down. My confidence left me. Things were not right. There was no way a girl, who I had never talked to before, could cut through me with a simple smile. I fought to regain my composure, but it wasn’t working. Her perfect lips, her beautiful eyes, the lines of her face, her skin, her hair, it all called to me. I had never felt this before. From a young age I worked to define myself through my Grandfather. Smart, loving, and loyal. Loyalty then, as it is now, was paramount to me due to the nature of my parents’ divorce. So how could this beautiful creature make me go against my nature? I had met plenty of other attractive girls, some who had blatantly hit on me, but they had never elicited a look even feigned curiosity or interest from me. Even to this day I have never had someone be able to evoke any kind of reaction from me while in a relationship. But this girl, who had just given me the briefest of smiles, had turned my world upside down.

I steeled myself and occupied myself with something that didn’t need to get done. I knew I had to close myself off and become stoic. I don’t know what her reaction was to me. I don’t know how she felt that night. I don’t know that she had any motives or desires. I do know that the next time I saw her she bounded up to me and started to talk. Talking in the wings of stage has always seemed intimate to me. It’s dark, you have to whisper, and you have to get close. None of these things were what I wanted…and at the same time, I wanted nothing more than these things with her. She approached and it seemed that she was overflowing with exuberance to talk with me. She leaned in and began to speak. I could feel the warmness of her breath and I could smell the fragrance of her skin. I was both in heaven and hell. Or at least I thought I might be solidly on my way to the latter. She talked about the standard things one talks about to know another person. I hung on every word.

The entire night went the same. Every time she saw me she would bound up to me with an eager smile and engage me in conversation. And each time my heart would stop only to be shocked back into working order by the electricity that shot into me from her. The night finished and we parted ways, her never knowing how I felt, and me feeling guilty but very much alive. The air seemed crisper and my step seemed lighter. But I resigned myself into believing that my feelings spawned from something other than a girl that could capture my complete adoration with a simple smile. Possibly the things I knew were wrong between me and my girlfriend. Possibly something I didn‘t fully comprehend yet. I didn’t know, but I refused to let myself fall for a girl I had just met, especially since I had a great girl waiting for me back at my friend’s house.

The rest of High School was interesting anytime She was around. I enjoyed her company and got excited every time I saw her. We became friends. I buried my feelings for her and took pleasure in our platonic relationship. Although, every time she bound to me the way she did that first night lightning tried to thunder out of my stomach and into my chest. But I would stop it, loving the fact that I could have her in my life as a friend.

As the months rolled on she found herself a boyfriend. I was happy for her, she deserved someone nice and she could pull pretty much whoever she wanted. We both started moving our separate ways, staying relatively close until I left for college. I started my own adventures there and she found my friend. The one who I trust most and is so much like me. I was sincerely happy for the two of them. She deserved a wonderful guy like him and he, her. I knew he would treat her well. She told me later that he had a strong role in making her the person she is today. I will be indebted to him forever because of this.

I had my own girlfriends and interests that I pursued. As each new year began I took a step closer to the man I am today, and as each year faded, so did the girl who could cut though my defenses with a look from her beautiful eyes and send me reeling with a smile. Every now and again my mind would wander back to her and I fondly described her in stories as the only girl to ever make me consider being un-faithful.

I found someone who I thought would be my partner, I found someone who would I thought be my wife. And through all the trials and tribulations that I endured with her, I learned about what it was to genuinely be someone’s partner… and what it was like to lose one.

I went to war. I found myself talking with people I hadn’t talked to in years. Old memories flooded forward. I talked to the friend who I had taken to senior prom. I talked to my cousin who moved out to California to become a hippie as I left to do everything hippies abhor. I talked to friends I had met in other countries. And then one day, I saw Her. It was just a picture but I started to remember. I remembered her eagerly wanting me to dip her as if we were elegant ball room dancers. I remembered our friendship. And I remembered our first night. I started talking to her as a friend. The connection that I remembered was still there. We could still be wonderful friends. I wasn’t going to let the opportunity for such a good friend to pass up. I found out that she had been through similar hard times as I had and my heart cried out to sooth her.

After many years and many different lives, we met again as friends instead of strangers. Though I didn’t know how she had changed over her life, and she didn’t know me for who I was, we were still old friends. I walked though the door excited to see Her and talk about everything that had happened since we had lost touch. And at that moment Fate not so gently reminded me that it had a plan. She looked up at me with her green eyes, and cut through not only the defenses I keep up, but also the ten years it had been since we first met. I was back to that first night. Heart thudding in my chest, breathless, tossed about like a ship without a rudder in a storm. Neither of us knew it just then, but I was hers.

There is no fairy tale ending. For there to be an ending the story must stop. This story lives on and will continue to live. We know now that my heart no longer serves the function of pumping blood, but rather to carry my love for her to every cell of my body. What happens next is another chapter.

 

I can’t wait to find out!

Why I’m lucky.

Realizing that I have had some distracting things happening in my life the past few weeks, I have gone back and re-read some of the blogs I’ve posted.  I have been so over whelmed with Comm Week, now that its over I am so much more relaxed and am slowing down a bit to look at things.

I am in love.  I am.  He is caring and loving and constantly shows and tells me how wonderful I am to him. He is thoughtful, and I know that he will always put me first in his life.  But he’s 7,500 miles a way. I don’t do long distance well at all.  He asked before, and I told him no, not yet, I was not ready. But I’m willing to try now.  And he asked again.  Jonathan, my lovely adorable man, and I said yes.   We had been almost inseparable from the moment he came home. It was a rapid insane transition for me.  Three weeks earlier I had been broken up with.  I was not ready. Still I think sometimes I am not ready, but I’m willing to take a chance.  I’m willing to be in love again, but being in love and loved by this man is an entirely different experience.

Jonathan is a man who has said he would fight for me.  That is how it should be. If you love someone you want them, then show that person you care, and fight for them.  He said he fought long and hard against me and my stubbornness and was so happy I finally said yes. :)

I have a boyfriend.  I have a man who is fighting for our country and is in Iraq.  I love him, I support him, and I’d do anything for him. 

My heart is not completely healed yet, but its on its way. I don’t know if you ever really stop loving someone that you loved so much. I guess they just fade away and become what I hope are pleasant distant memories.

I love you Jonathan, come home to us soon.

What I've decided in the past week

• It is possible to be in love with two people at the same time. I am still in love with Jacob. I have not seen or heard from him since he broke up with me. I miss him, I miss the way we were. I miss our laughter, I miss his friendship, I miss the way he used to touch me. I miss how we would call eachother 5 times a day just to talk about nothing. I miss his family. I miss his sisters and Pasadena/Altadena. I miss Noalie.
  
• Jonathan. What can I say about this wonderful man? He adores me, he loves me. I don't even remember where I said it, but there is a line I love, from Secret Garden. The line talks about the way the lead character loves his wife and I said it as my own one day. I said "I want a man who would walk the earth to get me a blade of grass if I wanted it." I got a letter from him the other day that had a blade of grass in it. I believe I said it to him once. He remembered. I love him. But not with the wild abandon that I fell for Jacob. I'm broken now and scared that the same thing is going to happen. I don't want to believe everything he says only to wake up one day and he decides he does not want to be with me anymore. I don't think I could go through that twice.
• He writes me letters and I love it. A thing I love, and I tried to do for Jacob, Jonathan does without even asking. I get them all the time, in the mail, online, for no reason at all other than to say he loves me and is thinking of me. A small gesture, that means so much. Finally someone who understands.
  
• I will grow as a dancer. I really hate having to check the "I move well" box at an audition. That blows. I've taken only 6 semesters of dance, and while I have retained some, I need to constantly be doing it. I want to be better at it. I am a fantastic singer, and a pretty good actress, and if the dancing thing is a thorn in my side, well the so be it, I'm taking more classes. Jimmy Defore in Costa Mesa is where I will be going. $12 a class for students.
  
• I need to put together an audition book. This is what I love, this is what I want to do. I need to be better prepared. I need to find someone who will help me hone my voice as well and knows the ropes a bit that I can afford.
• I will find the joy in working again. I have lost it and I need to be able to keep that up. Its what's got to hold me together for now.
• Knitting is an expensive hobby. I'm so close to being done with this blanket I can taste it! I just need to finish those few rows and put the border on it. So close! I've figured so far its taken me over 83 hours of work, and around $100. But it will be worth it in the end.
  
• I love my friends. But I knew this already. My family is just not in tune with me. Its my friends who really are. I love them like family.
• Disneyland is a great way to spend a Sunday. I'm going with said friends. Good times ahead.
  

Comm Week is Kicking my butt!

Right now I’ve got almost no skin left on my baby left toe.  My left foot is bigger than my right.(That may explain the blister) But just by a little bit. And strangely enough, so is my left boob.  I’m right handed, so what is up with that?

This was the second day of Comm Week, and I worked my butt off. Running here and there, and back again to make sure everything was set up.  We’ve gotten nothing but praise from speakers, teachers, and staff.

I knew my right toe hurt too, but I did not think there was a blister, but yep. I just found a huge one. I need to pop it!  Gross I know but it always makes them feel better for me!

So I got home today after this horrendously long day, and found two things in my mail spot. A letter from Jonathan, and a FEDEX envelope.

Is it not enough that he sends me flowers almost every week? I get letters and llama socks mailed to me too.

I don’t have any more to say about that in this blog right now, I need to go to sleep.

Anyway, in the FEDEX envelope was a gift certificate for a spa. Jonathan takes really good care of me and he’s not even my boyfriend.

So why do I still think of Jacob? Why does my heart still yearn for him?

I’ve been struggling with this issue a lot the past week.  I’m too tired to think anymore tonight. Off to bed.

I’ve Been Workin Like Crazy

Has been kicking my butt.  If you’d like to see what I’ve been up to go to:

www.CSUFCommWeek09.blogspot.com

It all starts next week, and I’ve been going insane along with the rest of our class trying to get it all taken care of.

I promise I will be back in full swing when this hellish class is over.

Yay for the experience.

Why I've been missing...

I'm knitting a blanket....

Sigh.

Kissing you is like kissing a smile.

ATTENTION!

Let it be known that Joel is Samantha!

urgh.....

My head hurts already! Nice to see you Jay! Looking forward to Tuesday.

One step forward, two steps back.

I though I was moving in the right direction. I thought the shades of gray were starting to lighten. I though that the clouds were parting and soon the sunshine would warm me again.


No such luck.


I'm back on the ugly train headed full speed to broken-heartsville. I cried twice today.

For those of you who don't know me well, or at all, let me try to explain why its such a miraculous thing that I'm crying so much. I am not a crier. I am not someone who cries at a Hallmark commercial, or a sappy movie (although I lost it during the Notebook, but so did Carlos). My gays, who are the equivalent to my Samantha, Charlotte, Carrie and Miranda (even though there is only 2 of them) have seen me cry twice. Twice in all the time I've known them, and its been a while.

It seems like everywhere I go, and everything I do I am reminded about our relationship. I feel haunted by this ghost, this precious gem that somehow I was not careful enough with, and it slipped through my fingers.

I was having good days, cheery ones. Today is a setback.

The fact is, I've lost my best friend. I've lost the person who's opinion I held highest. The person I want to call when there is something on my mind. The sounding board that always wanted the best in me, even if I disagreed.

I know he has to do this. I know he has to go out and figure it out on his own. I'm slowly coming to accept that.

I just physically and emotionally ache for him, his love and his touch.

I still can't believe it's gone.

Tired llama.

I have lots to say, but my head is telling me its time for sleep. So here's a picture of a happy llama.

Enjoy.

Better.

I had a much better day today.

I still consider it the same day if you have not gone to sleep yet.

A much better day.

I think I'm on my way out of this stupor.

Yay!

Seriously?

I'm seriously messed up in the head.

I am just not mentally prepared for this. Any of this.

I was at school today meeting with a professor and after a breif and scruff meeting I left the office and got in my car and freakin cried like a baby. Again.

I went into Yoga and spent the better part of an hour and yoga practice getting it together.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why doesn't it ease? Why does it keep getting worse and not better?

I feel on the verge right now. I feel like I've cried all the tears of my entire life in the past three weeks.

urgh.

I don't sleep.

I spent this whole weekend awake it seemed.

Except for when I freaking needed to be somewhere to pick up freaking dry cleaning. I'm such an idiot.

I need to sleep now.

Pain. I just feel nothing but pain.

And I cry at the drop of a freakin dime.

I'm a weepy freakin mess. I hate it. I hate feeling this way.

It would be better if I at least did something wrong, or he did something wrong. Then I could be angry at something not the fact that I wasn't good enough. That I did not love him enough.

Love should be enough. And it wasn't.

So how am I supposed to just stop it? Just stop loving him.

I can't.

Journaling...

Is that really what this is?

I am not so sure.

In communications we talk about knowing your audience. If you know who your audience is then you'll know how to communicate with them easier, the tone and the pace of the piece will be correct. I was once an avid journal-er and the audience for me was always my older self. So I ask myself, who is my audience now?

I know there are a select few who come here and read that know me, but for the most part does anyone one I don't know read these? And if you do why would you be interested in slowly watching me loose my shit? Schadenfreude? That is the only thing I can think of.

I don't edit these things. I put words on the screen as they come out of my brain. I may spell something wrong here or there, but thanks to technology I can at least fix that.

So I don't know if I should change the audience to the general web population or if I should re-focus it to an older, dear god I hop wiser, version of me.

I just want this pain to go away.

I don't think so.

I invited him over tonight. I don't know if that was a good idea or not. My face still sticks with the dried salty tears. I just don't understand.

I cannot even tell you the pain and suffering caused when the one you love stands at the door and says "Goodbye" and all you want is for him to come back, and kiss you and touch your face and tell you that everyting is going to be okay.

But obviously, that is not the case. I could not even look at him when he left. I sat there crying on the couch till the tears would no longer come. Till I thought this all just has to be a dream and my hysteria would eventually wake me up.

I feel lied to. For once in my life and a relationship I was able to totally be myself and when I got told "I need to work on myself right now", I felt like all my confidences, all of my personal intimate details were shoved back in my face and trust and self esteem are broken and splintered. Where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently? I just don't see how doing this alone makes any sense. He used to tell me about the time he was in school and how lonely it was for him, and how much pain that cost thim. I can't imagine how this time now would be better?

Why is it that men see a marriage, and a family as a hindrince? What is that? Jacob talked so much about how the media portrays women as these stick figures and that is why men want that. He told me one day he asked himself if he really liked skinny chicks or if he liked a womanly body, and in his heart it was the womanly body. So why why would you come home to an empty house every night? Why would you want to struggle all alone? Why does he believe what the media portrays in reference to marrage, when not women?

I don't understand.

I know that I am slowly going to leave the denial and cry stage, and morph into the angry stage. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be bitter. I just want him.

Everyone keeps telling me that he'll be back. He'll figure out what's wrong with him, and be back. After tonight, I don't think so.

After tonight, I don't think so at all.

Funny.

Because I've been so down in the dumps lately, I thought I'd post some pictures that make me laugh.




I'm resisting putting owls here only because I know Carlos hates them, but I don't think he even reads this!

Nesting.

Brittnay says I'm nesting.

I have been mass spring cleaning and purging out anything I do not even remotely like. I must have packed up 12 trash bags full of clothes.

My room is only 12 x14 so I really don't see how one person can have so much stuff.

I just came upon pictures from High School, and dorm life, very entertaining. Its amazing how many of those people I was so close with I never see.

* * * * *

I freaking cried in class today.

In the middle of meditation during yoga, I lost it and tears just came streaming down my face, and I am not a pretty crier, and I tend to sob, so trying to keep it under control in a class that was extremely quiet was not that easy. The teacher just let me cry.

That was nice of him.



I hate this. I hate the not sleeping, the not eating, the feeling utterly useless.


BAH! This is just horrendous.

My room and my life are a mess.

That is all.



Oh, and Uncle Joel helped me out a lot today.

And I'm not sleeping.

And I want a pony.

And Jacob.

:(

Please.

Its three in the morning. Sleep is a place you'd think I'd want to be right now.

I just don't understand. Please someone explain it to me.

I want answers that I am never going to get. I thought we were better than that, you said you loved me so how can you do this like this?

How can you say "We don't want the same things"? What the hell is it you want then? I want to be in love, and married to my best friend, and babies, and have a successful career that I enjoy. PLEASE for God's sake explain how that is not what you want?

Why do I have to be the severed dead weight? When shit goes down don't you want to be able to lean on your partner and tell them your fears, and worries, and struggles? That is what a lover and friend is supposed to do, carry your burdens for you when yours get too much to handle. Is it better wallowing in the sorrow AND being alone?

I have never had a relationship like the one I had (boy its hard to type past tense) with you. There was never a time when I was not 100% completely myself. I told you everything, every thought, every question, every detail, every everything. I told you things that I have never EVER shared with anyone.

Then you feed me the line again"We don't want the same things."

Who is it!? Who is it that convinced you to do this? To get rid of me? Someone had to plant that thought in your head. Is it really that much better without me? I don't understand.

I brought you to my family. I keep my family guarded. I don't like to bring anyone over. I can count on one hand the amount of dates I've brought home. I did that because I wanted you to get to know everyone, after all I had thought they would be your family some day too.

I am just so at a loss. I feel like I have been hit by a freight train and all of the pressure is in my chest. Make it go away. Its more difficult to breathe with each breath. Make it go away. Please.

I didn't do anything but love you the best way I know how. I'm sure I could have gotten better at some things but I love you with every part of me and that is not enough? I love you in so many different ways. The "I want to rip your clothes off" love, the "Oh just look at how adorable his face is" love, the "I can't believe how good this man is with children I love him so much" love, the "his family is kinda crazy but in the most amazingly lovable way I want to be part of them someday" love and ways that I did not think was possible. My heart just always gushed for you.

I'm sorry if I'm a little broken, and not perfect, but I gave you everything. Now I feel like I'm just a ghost of myself, my everything is gone. You have it all, I gave it all to you, and just putting it aside does not give it back to me.

You did not even have the decency to tell me in person.

I had no indication this was happening. For God's sake you write a card like that to Rob and then give me the boot 2 days later?

Please please please just make it stop, just make it go away. Please.

I love you, and I don't understand why.

Please.

Thank you!

A very big THANK YOU to all of those who sent birthday wishes my way. I feel that I am on some sort of downward spiral and today, even though I had my moments, I felt very well loved.

I know I say this a lot, but I really do have the most amazing and eclectic group of friends. Personal Thank Yous to : Kris and Leslie, Robert and Joel, Brittnay, Duncan, Stephanie and Anthony. So nice to see you guys. And I am really glad you came.

In response to my wonderful pictures found here is one that I hope will make you laugh. Not quite my sentiment at the moment, because I love him and wish he'd come to his senses, but funny anyhow:

It's my Birthday at Disneyand

And I'm going by myself and I'm going to have a great time!

There's A Fine ,Fine Line

Between Love and a waste of your time.




Happy Birthday to me.


Ha.

Happy Day.

For those of you in a relationship here:

I hope this day is not a day of crappy gifts and cheap candy, but a day to really show the world how much love you have for each other.

I know, like Cinco de Mayo this is a day created by the card companies to make money so don't over do it. Be honest and remember that this day is should be like every other day. Let all the specialness here carry over.


For the rest of us:

Go find a girl friend eat some fattening food and watch a chick flick. Preferably one that makes you cry. And remember you may be:

It's an new day.

Quote of the day:

“There is a magnet in your heart that will attract true friends. That magnet is unselfishness, thinking of others first... when you learn to live for others, they will live for you.” - Yogananda Paramahansa

I am currently reading his book, The Autobiography of a Yogi. My yoga class this semester is such an amazing class, and this is required reading, but it certainly does not feel like a chore.

I actually meditated last night for about 10 min. My mind is still not used to it yet, but I am getting better. I think I'll do some before I go to work.

This quote is something that I need to work on. I already have the most amazing group of friends. What is so great about my friends is that they are all so different and so giving. I love each one of them and I can't wait to celebrate my birthday with as many of them as I can on Monday.

All things in life happen for a reason. People who say that usually are very far removed from a situation. I know recent events happened for a reason. I just don't know what yet.

Namaste!

Here is a pitcure that I think accurately reflects my mood. I am the beautiful, gonna mess you up if you cross me horse, and the dog is the stupid situation, that I'm chasin the hell out of here.

Boo-ya.

Lamesauce.

As some ofyou may or may not know I am no longer attached.

It was not a choice I think either of us wanted to make, but most of all me. I honestly feel like this totally came out of no where.

I just can't freakin understand. Why now? Why this lovely timing? Happy Valentines Day Happ Birthday! HAHA, guess not.

Yesterday I went to work and was so worth nothing that I came home and went to sleep around six.

I am not a crier. But just because I don't turn on the waterworks does not mean I don't feel hurt, confused, embarrassed, and totally distraught.

He is the man I thought I would never leave, the man I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with.

I am dumbfounded, confused and hurt and numb. Incredibly numb.

Sad Panda

Seriously?

You've got to be kidding right?

I don't have time for this. I'll just add a picture to reflect my mood.

At least I can't change my name to Sad Pandas, Llamas and Heffers.

Whatever.

Personality Quiz

I took this thing 3 times and got this twice.

THE TRIANGLE/SQUIGGLE COMBINATION
You are the strongest personality within the Psycho-Geometrics� System! People are constantly intimidated by you. You seem to "have it all." You are both smart (Triangle) and bright (Squiggle) (left and right hemispheric). You are able to process the minute details AND to transfer them to the "big picture". You are quickly decisive, determined, intuitive and confident.

Colleagues hold you in great respect, but do not often like you because you have a tendency to be highly critical of less-talented others. You are a tough taskmaster who requires more of yourself than any reasonable human being would ever require of you. You are very ambitious and achievement-oriented. You will do whatever it takes to be successful. You have always known that you were "special" and feel it is your destiny to reach the top.

You need to be in a leadership position and you will always have problems working for someone else! You are extremely honest and outspoken. You pride yourself on "telling it like it is!" You are a natural entrepreneur. You establish very high goals and need constant challenge. You are likely to fail many times in life, but you have the tenacity to start over.

You have the potential to be highly successful, but may win and lose a fortune overnight. You are a hard driver with incredible stamina. Very few others can keep up with you. You become bored very quickly and need constant stimulation in both your personal and professional life. You are highly competitive and a sore loser. You like the adage: "I don't get mad, I get even."

You like status symbols which demonstrate your success in life. You always have the "latest", cutting-edge wardrobe, office decor, and executive "toys". Secretly your tastes lean to the weird; that collection of punk rock memorabilia from the 1970's may will support you in your old age.

Talking straight...
At work: You are NOT a team player, you are a "star." You will always have difficulty finding your "equals." In your view, colleagues will never quite measure up. In the early stages of your career, you will be highly frustrated. Decisions take too long; superiors are under-qualified; the progress of your own career appears to be in slow motion. You can resort to temper tantrums. Your necessary lessons: tolerance and patience.

At leisure: Interpersonal relationships are your "Achilles heel." You have a tendency to "use people" for what they can do for you. This may come back to haunt you because when you have gained some degree of success in life, you may find that you are surrounded by "false friends".

Although you will be highly attractive to potential mates, you have a tendency to choose a "trophy mate". You can also become easily bored and be very fickle, so you may have several failed relationships in life. Your best long-term "match" is Circle or Box.

You have a great appetite for all aspects of life, so your leisure activities will be diverse. You love the theatre, jazz, travel, and anything that is exciting and challenging; i.e. bunjee jumping, climbing Mt. Everest. Whatever you do, you will do it well and you always insist upon going "first class" (even when you can't afford it).

You will need a creative accountant throughout life--one who makes sure you don't break the law! You must beware of health problems. You have a tendency to over-extend yourself when focused on achieving a goal. You are also prone to addictions, which intensify when you are under stress.

Today's TIP!...
STOP pushing the river and start smelling the roses! Sit down tonight with a good sci-fi book and listen to some jazz. Turn off your brain and let the world go by.


Very interesting! And totally spot-on!

You can take the test here: http://www.psychometricshapes.co.uk/tri_squig.php

Blessed.

It seems to me that there are very few people in the world that have the kind of relationship I am lucky enough to have. I have a man who loves me just as I am. Squishy and bitchy and bossy and loud, and loyal and stubborn and dramatic, he loves it all. Its all gone by very fast and tonight makes 8 months. I have never felt more loved. Thank you Baby, I love you!

A Happy Heffer

Yes, I spell it wrong. That is just my way. I use is mostly as a term of endearment for people who are annoying the hell out of me in the moment. Carlos spells it hephyr like zephyer but its heffer so it does not really work.

Here is a picture of a heffer.

Enjoy!

lml

(I think its a Swiss Alp Heffer)

As always, I should be asleep!

My very first "official" blog, how gen-Y of me! Sure I've had my fun on Myspace and Facebook, but here, this one is official. It says blogger in the web address, and to top it off, its free! Yay internet!
I wanted to start this blog for a few reasons:

1. I believe I am a pretty good writer with an interesting an unheard voice.
2. I should soon be graduating with a Communications Degree, and the one thing most stressed there is to be an above average writer. My blogging can in no way hurt that. Who couldn't us the extra practice?
3. My life path is very unknown to me at the moment. I am recently a Vegetarian/Pescetarian (depending on who you talk to), I am finishing up my degree (as previously stated) and would like to have some place to sort out the crazy, and finally I will be heading to Costa Rica in March and I'm sure my travel will fuel me with many a crazy exploit.

I hope you stay, I hope you come back and I hope most of all you read. It is my wish to somehow be entertaining, thought provoking, candid, and generous of myself and my ideas and energy.

Until next time!

lml (happy llama!)