One step forward, two steps back.

I though I was moving in the right direction. I thought the shades of gray were starting to lighten. I though that the clouds were parting and soon the sunshine would warm me again.


No such luck.


I'm back on the ugly train headed full speed to broken-heartsville. I cried twice today.

For those of you who don't know me well, or at all, let me try to explain why its such a miraculous thing that I'm crying so much. I am not a crier. I am not someone who cries at a Hallmark commercial, or a sappy movie (although I lost it during the Notebook, but so did Carlos). My gays, who are the equivalent to my Samantha, Charlotte, Carrie and Miranda (even though there is only 2 of them) have seen me cry twice. Twice in all the time I've known them, and its been a while.

It seems like everywhere I go, and everything I do I am reminded about our relationship. I feel haunted by this ghost, this precious gem that somehow I was not careful enough with, and it slipped through my fingers.

I was having good days, cheery ones. Today is a setback.

The fact is, I've lost my best friend. I've lost the person who's opinion I held highest. The person I want to call when there is something on my mind. The sounding board that always wanted the best in me, even if I disagreed.

I know he has to do this. I know he has to go out and figure it out on his own. I'm slowly coming to accept that.

I just physically and emotionally ache for him, his love and his touch.

I still can't believe it's gone.

Tired llama.

I have lots to say, but my head is telling me its time for sleep. So here's a picture of a happy llama.

Enjoy.

Better.

I had a much better day today.

I still consider it the same day if you have not gone to sleep yet.

A much better day.

I think I'm on my way out of this stupor.

Yay!

Seriously?

I'm seriously messed up in the head.

I am just not mentally prepared for this. Any of this.

I was at school today meeting with a professor and after a breif and scruff meeting I left the office and got in my car and freakin cried like a baby. Again.

I went into Yoga and spent the better part of an hour and yoga practice getting it together.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why doesn't it ease? Why does it keep getting worse and not better?

I feel on the verge right now. I feel like I've cried all the tears of my entire life in the past three weeks.

urgh.

I don't sleep.

I spent this whole weekend awake it seemed.

Except for when I freaking needed to be somewhere to pick up freaking dry cleaning. I'm such an idiot.

I need to sleep now.

Pain. I just feel nothing but pain.

And I cry at the drop of a freakin dime.

I'm a weepy freakin mess. I hate it. I hate feeling this way.

It would be better if I at least did something wrong, or he did something wrong. Then I could be angry at something not the fact that I wasn't good enough. That I did not love him enough.

Love should be enough. And it wasn't.

So how am I supposed to just stop it? Just stop loving him.

I can't.

Journaling...

Is that really what this is?

I am not so sure.

In communications we talk about knowing your audience. If you know who your audience is then you'll know how to communicate with them easier, the tone and the pace of the piece will be correct. I was once an avid journal-er and the audience for me was always my older self. So I ask myself, who is my audience now?

I know there are a select few who come here and read that know me, but for the most part does anyone one I don't know read these? And if you do why would you be interested in slowly watching me loose my shit? Schadenfreude? That is the only thing I can think of.

I don't edit these things. I put words on the screen as they come out of my brain. I may spell something wrong here or there, but thanks to technology I can at least fix that.

So I don't know if I should change the audience to the general web population or if I should re-focus it to an older, dear god I hop wiser, version of me.

I just want this pain to go away.

I don't think so.

I invited him over tonight. I don't know if that was a good idea or not. My face still sticks with the dried salty tears. I just don't understand.

I cannot even tell you the pain and suffering caused when the one you love stands at the door and says "Goodbye" and all you want is for him to come back, and kiss you and touch your face and tell you that everyting is going to be okay.

But obviously, that is not the case. I could not even look at him when he left. I sat there crying on the couch till the tears would no longer come. Till I thought this all just has to be a dream and my hysteria would eventually wake me up.

I feel lied to. For once in my life and a relationship I was able to totally be myself and when I got told "I need to work on myself right now", I felt like all my confidences, all of my personal intimate details were shoved back in my face and trust and self esteem are broken and splintered. Where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently? I just don't see how doing this alone makes any sense. He used to tell me about the time he was in school and how lonely it was for him, and how much pain that cost thim. I can't imagine how this time now would be better?

Why is it that men see a marriage, and a family as a hindrince? What is that? Jacob talked so much about how the media portrays women as these stick figures and that is why men want that. He told me one day he asked himself if he really liked skinny chicks or if he liked a womanly body, and in his heart it was the womanly body. So why why would you come home to an empty house every night? Why would you want to struggle all alone? Why does he believe what the media portrays in reference to marrage, when not women?

I don't understand.

I know that I am slowly going to leave the denial and cry stage, and morph into the angry stage. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be bitter. I just want him.

Everyone keeps telling me that he'll be back. He'll figure out what's wrong with him, and be back. After tonight, I don't think so.

After tonight, I don't think so at all.

Funny.

Because I've been so down in the dumps lately, I thought I'd post some pictures that make me laugh.




I'm resisting putting owls here only because I know Carlos hates them, but I don't think he even reads this!

Nesting.

Brittnay says I'm nesting.

I have been mass spring cleaning and purging out anything I do not even remotely like. I must have packed up 12 trash bags full of clothes.

My room is only 12 x14 so I really don't see how one person can have so much stuff.

I just came upon pictures from High School, and dorm life, very entertaining. Its amazing how many of those people I was so close with I never see.

* * * * *

I freaking cried in class today.

In the middle of meditation during yoga, I lost it and tears just came streaming down my face, and I am not a pretty crier, and I tend to sob, so trying to keep it under control in a class that was extremely quiet was not that easy. The teacher just let me cry.

That was nice of him.



I hate this. I hate the not sleeping, the not eating, the feeling utterly useless.


BAH! This is just horrendous.

My room and my life are a mess.

That is all.



Oh, and Uncle Joel helped me out a lot today.

And I'm not sleeping.

And I want a pony.

And Jacob.

:(

Please.

Its three in the morning. Sleep is a place you'd think I'd want to be right now.

I just don't understand. Please someone explain it to me.

I want answers that I am never going to get. I thought we were better than that, you said you loved me so how can you do this like this?

How can you say "We don't want the same things"? What the hell is it you want then? I want to be in love, and married to my best friend, and babies, and have a successful career that I enjoy. PLEASE for God's sake explain how that is not what you want?

Why do I have to be the severed dead weight? When shit goes down don't you want to be able to lean on your partner and tell them your fears, and worries, and struggles? That is what a lover and friend is supposed to do, carry your burdens for you when yours get too much to handle. Is it better wallowing in the sorrow AND being alone?

I have never had a relationship like the one I had (boy its hard to type past tense) with you. There was never a time when I was not 100% completely myself. I told you everything, every thought, every question, every detail, every everything. I told you things that I have never EVER shared with anyone.

Then you feed me the line again"We don't want the same things."

Who is it!? Who is it that convinced you to do this? To get rid of me? Someone had to plant that thought in your head. Is it really that much better without me? I don't understand.

I brought you to my family. I keep my family guarded. I don't like to bring anyone over. I can count on one hand the amount of dates I've brought home. I did that because I wanted you to get to know everyone, after all I had thought they would be your family some day too.

I am just so at a loss. I feel like I have been hit by a freight train and all of the pressure is in my chest. Make it go away. Its more difficult to breathe with each breath. Make it go away. Please.

I didn't do anything but love you the best way I know how. I'm sure I could have gotten better at some things but I love you with every part of me and that is not enough? I love you in so many different ways. The "I want to rip your clothes off" love, the "Oh just look at how adorable his face is" love, the "I can't believe how good this man is with children I love him so much" love, the "his family is kinda crazy but in the most amazingly lovable way I want to be part of them someday" love and ways that I did not think was possible. My heart just always gushed for you.

I'm sorry if I'm a little broken, and not perfect, but I gave you everything. Now I feel like I'm just a ghost of myself, my everything is gone. You have it all, I gave it all to you, and just putting it aside does not give it back to me.

You did not even have the decency to tell me in person.

I had no indication this was happening. For God's sake you write a card like that to Rob and then give me the boot 2 days later?

Please please please just make it stop, just make it go away. Please.

I love you, and I don't understand why.

Please.

Thank you!

A very big THANK YOU to all of those who sent birthday wishes my way. I feel that I am on some sort of downward spiral and today, even though I had my moments, I felt very well loved.

I know I say this a lot, but I really do have the most amazing and eclectic group of friends. Personal Thank Yous to : Kris and Leslie, Robert and Joel, Brittnay, Duncan, Stephanie and Anthony. So nice to see you guys. And I am really glad you came.

In response to my wonderful pictures found here is one that I hope will make you laugh. Not quite my sentiment at the moment, because I love him and wish he'd come to his senses, but funny anyhow:

It's my Birthday at Disneyand

And I'm going by myself and I'm going to have a great time!

There's A Fine ,Fine Line

Between Love and a waste of your time.




Happy Birthday to me.


Ha.

Happy Day.

For those of you in a relationship here:

I hope this day is not a day of crappy gifts and cheap candy, but a day to really show the world how much love you have for each other.

I know, like Cinco de Mayo this is a day created by the card companies to make money so don't over do it. Be honest and remember that this day is should be like every other day. Let all the specialness here carry over.


For the rest of us:

Go find a girl friend eat some fattening food and watch a chick flick. Preferably one that makes you cry. And remember you may be:

It's an new day.

Quote of the day:

“There is a magnet in your heart that will attract true friends. That magnet is unselfishness, thinking of others first... when you learn to live for others, they will live for you.” - Yogananda Paramahansa

I am currently reading his book, The Autobiography of a Yogi. My yoga class this semester is such an amazing class, and this is required reading, but it certainly does not feel like a chore.

I actually meditated last night for about 10 min. My mind is still not used to it yet, but I am getting better. I think I'll do some before I go to work.

This quote is something that I need to work on. I already have the most amazing group of friends. What is so great about my friends is that they are all so different and so giving. I love each one of them and I can't wait to celebrate my birthday with as many of them as I can on Monday.

All things in life happen for a reason. People who say that usually are very far removed from a situation. I know recent events happened for a reason. I just don't know what yet.

Namaste!

Here is a pitcure that I think accurately reflects my mood. I am the beautiful, gonna mess you up if you cross me horse, and the dog is the stupid situation, that I'm chasin the hell out of here.

Boo-ya.

Lamesauce.

As some ofyou may or may not know I am no longer attached.

It was not a choice I think either of us wanted to make, but most of all me. I honestly feel like this totally came out of no where.

I just can't freakin understand. Why now? Why this lovely timing? Happy Valentines Day Happ Birthday! HAHA, guess not.

Yesterday I went to work and was so worth nothing that I came home and went to sleep around six.

I am not a crier. But just because I don't turn on the waterworks does not mean I don't feel hurt, confused, embarrassed, and totally distraught.

He is the man I thought I would never leave, the man I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with.

I am dumbfounded, confused and hurt and numb. Incredibly numb.

Sad Panda

Seriously?

You've got to be kidding right?

I don't have time for this. I'll just add a picture to reflect my mood.

At least I can't change my name to Sad Pandas, Llamas and Heffers.

Whatever.

Personality Quiz

I took this thing 3 times and got this twice.

THE TRIANGLE/SQUIGGLE COMBINATION
You are the strongest personality within the Psycho-Geometrics� System! People are constantly intimidated by you. You seem to "have it all." You are both smart (Triangle) and bright (Squiggle) (left and right hemispheric). You are able to process the minute details AND to transfer them to the "big picture". You are quickly decisive, determined, intuitive and confident.

Colleagues hold you in great respect, but do not often like you because you have a tendency to be highly critical of less-talented others. You are a tough taskmaster who requires more of yourself than any reasonable human being would ever require of you. You are very ambitious and achievement-oriented. You will do whatever it takes to be successful. You have always known that you were "special" and feel it is your destiny to reach the top.

You need to be in a leadership position and you will always have problems working for someone else! You are extremely honest and outspoken. You pride yourself on "telling it like it is!" You are a natural entrepreneur. You establish very high goals and need constant challenge. You are likely to fail many times in life, but you have the tenacity to start over.

You have the potential to be highly successful, but may win and lose a fortune overnight. You are a hard driver with incredible stamina. Very few others can keep up with you. You become bored very quickly and need constant stimulation in both your personal and professional life. You are highly competitive and a sore loser. You like the adage: "I don't get mad, I get even."

You like status symbols which demonstrate your success in life. You always have the "latest", cutting-edge wardrobe, office decor, and executive "toys". Secretly your tastes lean to the weird; that collection of punk rock memorabilia from the 1970's may will support you in your old age.

Talking straight...
At work: You are NOT a team player, you are a "star." You will always have difficulty finding your "equals." In your view, colleagues will never quite measure up. In the early stages of your career, you will be highly frustrated. Decisions take too long; superiors are under-qualified; the progress of your own career appears to be in slow motion. You can resort to temper tantrums. Your necessary lessons: tolerance and patience.

At leisure: Interpersonal relationships are your "Achilles heel." You have a tendency to "use people" for what they can do for you. This may come back to haunt you because when you have gained some degree of success in life, you may find that you are surrounded by "false friends".

Although you will be highly attractive to potential mates, you have a tendency to choose a "trophy mate". You can also become easily bored and be very fickle, so you may have several failed relationships in life. Your best long-term "match" is Circle or Box.

You have a great appetite for all aspects of life, so your leisure activities will be diverse. You love the theatre, jazz, travel, and anything that is exciting and challenging; i.e. bunjee jumping, climbing Mt. Everest. Whatever you do, you will do it well and you always insist upon going "first class" (even when you can't afford it).

You will need a creative accountant throughout life--one who makes sure you don't break the law! You must beware of health problems. You have a tendency to over-extend yourself when focused on achieving a goal. You are also prone to addictions, which intensify when you are under stress.

Today's TIP!...
STOP pushing the river and start smelling the roses! Sit down tonight with a good sci-fi book and listen to some jazz. Turn off your brain and let the world go by.


Very interesting! And totally spot-on!

You can take the test here: http://www.psychometricshapes.co.uk/tri_squig.php