I though I was moving in the right direction. I thought the shades of gray were starting to lighten. I though that the clouds were parting and soon the sunshine would warm me again.
No such luck.
I'm back on the ugly train headed full speed to broken-heartsville. I cried twice today.
For those of you who don't know me well, or at all, let me try to explain why its such a miraculous thing that I'm crying so much. I am not a crier. I am not someone who cries at a Hallmark commercial, or a sappy movie (although I lost it during the Notebook, but so did Carlos). My gays, who are the equivalent to my Samantha, Charlotte, Carrie and Miranda (even though there is only 2 of them) have seen me cry twice. Twice in all the time I've known them, and its been a while.
It seems like everywhere I go, and everything I do I am reminded about our relationship. I feel haunted by this ghost, this precious gem that somehow I was not careful enough with, and it slipped through my fingers.
I was having good days, cheery ones. Today is a setback.
The fact is, I've lost my best friend. I've lost the person who's opinion I held highest. The person I want to call when there is something on my mind. The sounding board that always wanted the best in me, even if I disagreed.
I know he has to do this. I know he has to go out and figure it out on his own. I'm slowly coming to accept that.
I just physically and emotionally ache for him, his love and his touch.
I still can't believe it's gone.
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There's always hope. I have felt the pain, the breaking in your chest, the headaches the sickness, nausea and unconcious spouts of crying. It feels like your hearts being ripped out of your chest. It sucks...I wish no one had to go through the pain but you will go through it and you will survive. There's no choice. You have to. Its okay to cry, I came to terms with that, although ive pulled back again. But crying is theraputic. If you need someone to talk to I am here. Its hard to understand exactly the extent of your connection but ive had one of my own. Im still here two years later and still in love with him but I survive. I know I can fall in love again, i have and even though its not as strong or comfortable in certain ways, its a growing experience. God for some reason didnt want life to be easy. Just be thankful youve had the experience that not everyone gets to have. It sucks that were so young but we have had a great love and that can never be taken away.
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