I’m very bendy….

Love this name!

Amestris or Amastris (Friend in Old Persian) I imagine she looked something like this…

Remember This.

A final trial before an enduring reward. The greater the struggle, the greater the reward.

Vapid iTunes Fun

Here are the rules:
1. Put your ITunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS
4. Tag at least 10 friends who might enjoy doing the game as well as the person you got the note from.

1) IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Every Little Bit- Zach Brown Band

2) WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
You Can Always Count On Me – City of Angels

3) WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
A Little Priest- Sweeney Todd

4) HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
That’s When I love You- Phil Vassar (seriously my fav song!)

5) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Harder to Breathe- Maroon 5

6) WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
See Me, Feel Me/Listening to You- Tommy

7) WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Stars- Les Mis

8) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Guido’s Song – Nine

9) WHAT IS 2+2?
Highway 20 Ride –Zach Brown Band

10) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Much too Young  (To Feel This Damn Old0

11) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Like Father, Like Son- Aida

12) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
The God’s Love Nubia – Aida

13) WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Finale- The Secret Garden

14) WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
When You Wish Upon a Star- The Glenn Miller Orchestra

15) WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
All I Do Is Dream of You- Bubbles (Michael Buble)

16) WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
On My Own- Les Mis

17) WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
American Child- Phil Vassar

18) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
The Confrontation- Les Mis

19) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Whatever It Takes- Bubbles

20) WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Smoke Rise- Zach Brown Band

21) HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Through With You- Maroon 5

22) WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Last Day of My Life- Phil Vassar

23) WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
One Wild Night- Bonjovi

24) WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Who’s Your Daddy- Toby Keith

25) WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Despertar- Aisha Duo
26) WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Rue Plumet/ In My Life –Les Mis

27) DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Another Pyramid- Aida

28) IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
The Arbiter- Chess

29) WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Sally Simpson’s Question- Tommy

30) WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Vapid iTunes Fun!

Obessed.

I'm in a choir!  Yay!  More info to come on that.  We're singing the most beautiful music, and this is the lyric s to one of them.

I cannot express in words the way music makes me whole, makes my soul soar.  This beautiful piece brought me to tears at our most recent rehearsal.  Sitting there in a room full of people who love to make music listening to he words and the harmonies mingle, I felt such a release, such joy to be where I was.

I don't know how I got in this choir, but I'm so thankful.  I can't wait to perform it!
Here are the words, a poem from E.E. Cummings:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling) i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Yoga is my love…

After a nearly 6 week hiatus, and some seriously depressing afternoons/late nights I’m finally back doing yoga.  While my body is on fire with lactic acid, I am more relaxed and calm than I have been a very long time. Just don’t make me laugh. It hurts!

I thought about these words I wrote almost a year ago now, and its amazing how much insight I did not realize I had then. They were written for a throw away paper, but my teacher loved them.

I am so glad Patrick came into my life.  I needed him when I found him, and I needed his gift of yoga even more.

Written October 2009:

“This is now my third semester of Yoga. I say third because I was very disciplined in going to class during the summer time, and here I am again in the fall. I know that everything in life happens for a reason. I have had an extremely hard year both academically and personally and in those times that I needed it most Yoga was /is always there for me. I may miss a class here and there, or not go as steady as I’d like to, but yoga is always there for me. She is always waiting with open arms, never with a rebuke when I have strayed too long. My body may protest if I have, but yoga is always there, and will always be there.”

Amen, and Namaste!

People Change - Rockapella

I love this band and this song so much. It just seems to fit right now. Enjoy.

What a difference a year makes?

I’m sitting exactly in the same spot I sat one year ago today.  The pain in my chest then was for a completely different reason.  I had been hoping beyond hope that Jonathan would be able to come home by today, his birthday.  He did not get to. He was stuck in Army limbo and had to wait almost another week before I could hug and touch him again.

Here we are a full year later.  I am laying in bed at Rob and Joel’s longing to be able to hug and touch him again.  Instead this time, that’s not going to happen.  He’s moved on and I’m in a constant cycle of “I’m okay…I’m not okay…Why do I keep crying?…When will this be over?”

I feel like I’ve gone no where in a year.  Okay so I guess I have my degree, Yay! But no job, no REAL job, and I am back living at home with my parents. They want me there about as much as anyone wants a canker sore on their tongue. I feel like so much of the last year was for nothing. So much of the love I gave didn’t go where I wanted it to.

I worried so much when Jonathan was gone.  Wow, if worries alone could keep our soldiers safe, I think they all would be.  I can’t explain how hard that was the not knowing.  I’m having a hard time watching/listening to military things still.  All of them remind me of Jonathan, all I see is him, and all of that hope and hurt and worry comes flooding back in. And now pain.  Ten weeks later and still the pain.

All I had for so many months were these pictures. And flowers. How he loved to shower me with flowers.  I loved them so much. Oh how they brightened my world. Even this computer I’m writing on, which was the talk of my life for about 3 weeks.

Then there is the dog tag. I still wear it.I know I shouldn’t.  Its the last tangible thing I have.

I miss him very much. I wonder if he ever reads these.  He told me once that he read everything I wrote because if I took the time to post it, it must be important. I have so many important things to say to him, and I’m sure I’ll never get the chance.

I keep telling myself its easier for me to go cold turkey, have him out of sight out of mind but he’s there all of the time. 

Yes, I initiated the start of this crazy. So you think its my fault?  Maybe it is. How could he have moved on so quickly? He was kissing me on a Tuesday, and letting her spend the night on that Friday. I don’t understand how he could have said the things he said to me about how he loves me and then do that.

I love him so much still how? But it has no where to go. So I just hurt. And I just cry.

Happy Birthday Jonathan.

I Could Write Books

I could write books
'bout all the things you don't know about me,
page after page of all the things you didn't say.

I could write books
'bout all the things you didn't do,
And then write twice as much
about how much I still love you.

I drop hints about my birthday,
you forget it anyway.
I say pick me up at seven,
and you do, but the wrong day.
Is there something I should know about
that's going on inside?

What is wrong with me that there's
so much of you you hide?

I could write books
'bout all the ways you hurt me,
All the ways you didn't even know could destroy a person so.

I could write books
'bout all the things you took from me,
And then write twice as much
About how much you give back.
I could fill all the desert sands
With ancient scriptures from my hands,
Watch siroccos come erase them
And then write them all again.
I just can't understand why I do
all these things that don't make sense;
but love it seems has a logic
that defies all evidence.

I could write books
'bout all the things I don't know about you,
volumes one and two of all the doubt you've put me through.
And maybe I'll never know
why you do the things you do,
but I do know...I'll always love you.

'Cuz deep inside, I think you love me, too.

I cried.

I tried not to, but I did.

“I love, I love you night and day as a star in the distant sky. And I mourn for this one thing alone, that to love, our lifetime was so short, so short.”

 

And its all my fault that it was so short…

Woah.

There are things in your life that only happen once.
Tonight was one of those nights.
Holy cow.

Blanket.

I’m trying really hard to repurpose this blanket.  This blanket that I spent over 110 hours making.  This blanket that I thought would only take eh, six, maybe seven skeins of yarn. I lost count after 20, and the 5th trip to Michaels.    During the knitting process.

This blanket has been to Iraq.  This blanket has been shipped more farther than many people have traveled. This blanket is so much more than just a blanket to me. Its a promise, its protection, its comfort, and it used to be home.

I spent hours everywhere I was for over 6 weeks making this blanket. In class, at parties, family gatherings, sitting at home on the couch. Each square you see was knitted separately, then sewn together. With each stitch I whispered silent prayers of protection and love into its fibers.

I have never before put so much love, devotion, or dedication into anything I’ve made for someone.

Even now sitting under it, I can feel the energy I used to make it, and the pieces of my soul that are forever intertwined within.

The blanket today, a little used, but oh so loved.

Part of me wants to burn it.  To be done with it. Watch all of that emotion go up in smoke figuratively since it literally already has. But I can’t. I love this blanket so much.  I love what it stood for. I love what it protected. I took it back because it was no longer being used for what I had intended.

It makes me sick to know that he was lying under it with someone else. That is why I took it, but what to do with it now?

I lay under it, and its glorious, heavy and soft, but all I can feel is the loss, the hurt, and the pain. I’m desperately trying to make it mine again.  Take all of that negative energy away, and replace it with mine.

How long will this take?  I don’t know much longer I can keep sleeping under it.  How to make it mine? I don’t know what else to do?

Ugh. Understatement of the century.

Marlboro Man and Ree

Good lord above, this is the best story. And the best part about it is this man actually exitst.  Josh Lucas better be playing him in the film version!

 

Gracious, this man meant business. All my life, in all my silly dating, in all my shenanigans with surfers and high achievers and frat boys and playmates, I’d never been with a man who was so real with me, so direct—except for the guy who put me on his life insurance after our fourth date, but that doesn’t count. Marlboro Man was so willing to put himself out there, so unafraid to put forth his true feelings, I simply wasn’t used to it. I was used to head games, to tactics, to apathy, to aloofness. When it came to love and romance, I’d developed a rock-solid tolerance for mediocrity. And here, in two short weeks, Marlboro Man had blown it all to kingdom come. There was nothing—absolutely nothing—mediocre about Marlboro Man.

 

Seriously he exists.  Do you have to have grown up inthe middle of no where to be like this?

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Coming to pick you up,” he said. Mmmm, there he was, taking charge again. Why did I love it when Marlboro Man took charge? It made my heart skip a beat, made me feel flushed and excited and thrilled. After four years with J, I was sick and tired of Orange Country surfer-ness. Laid back, I’d discovered, was no longer something I wanted in a man. And when it came to his affection for me, Marlboro Man was anything but laid back. “I’ll be there at five.” Yes sir. Anything you say, sir. I’ll be ready.

A man who takes charge, who is not afraid to tell you how he feels about you, a man who provides and says this is how its going to be. Ree is one lucky lady, and I love her story.

If you're not into the story, check out her site for, if nothing else, the food!

Dimples...

I've been on a dimple kick today. What is it about dimples that does me in? Holy moly! I turn into butter just watching this guy, and he's not in High School, he's 28! Ugh. Cory Monteith.

He can sing too, that may have something to do with it. :)

Its been way too long...

Here we are again. Oh blog I've missed you.

The last 8 months have been a whirlwind- and that is putting it mildly.

The last week has been insane as well.

In the words of my favourite fencing Spaniard: "Let me splain- no! There is too much. Let me sum-up."

My Grandpa on my Mom's side was diagnosed with stage 4 liver and lung cancer. They gave him 4 months. That was 3 months ago.

I'm his favourite grandchild.

I've broken up with my boyfriend and moved out.

Back home, which is not the worst place ever to be, but at 27, its pushin it. I need to get on with my life and be an adult.

My bestest girl friend and her husband are moving to the other side of the country. Who's gonna be girly with me now when I need it? :(

I closed a wonderful run of "Nine" the musical at Hunger Artists, in Fullerton. It was my first show in just about 2 years, so it was so much fun to be back on stage. (that's me down there trying to look like I'm out of 1941)

I've made lovely connections with all of the amazing ladies of the cast.

The only male in the show was arrested a week ago for killing two people.

He did that 2 weeks ago in between shows.

Yeah, insane.

Can we talk about the lack of sleep I've had the last 2 weeks please?

BUT to put things in perspective:

Yeah. I'm not affected by the oil spill to much at all. Can you imagine trying live like that?

If you're living in the Gulf and trying to make a living by fishing or other means of the waterways? Ugh.

Unemployment in California is nearing 13%. I'm so thankful to have a job!

But still...

My heart hurts. My heart is heavy. I feel like if I wasn't so strong that I would just cocoon up into a ball and stay in bed for days. Maybe that's coming, I tend to deal well with things while they're happening, its when they're over and everyone is gone that I tend to lose it.

So here is a picture of something that makes me happy. Something I will have someday, oh yes, he will be mine, he will be mine. (Even if its not this exact one)

I freaking love these horses! Who am I kidding, I love any horse!