What a difference a year makes?

I’m sitting exactly in the same spot I sat one year ago today.  The pain in my chest then was for a completely different reason.  I had been hoping beyond hope that Jonathan would be able to come home by today, his birthday.  He did not get to. He was stuck in Army limbo and had to wait almost another week before I could hug and touch him again.

Here we are a full year later.  I am laying in bed at Rob and Joel’s longing to be able to hug and touch him again.  Instead this time, that’s not going to happen.  He’s moved on and I’m in a constant cycle of “I’m okay…I’m not okay…Why do I keep crying?…When will this be over?”

I feel like I’ve gone no where in a year.  Okay so I guess I have my degree, Yay! But no job, no REAL job, and I am back living at home with my parents. They want me there about as much as anyone wants a canker sore on their tongue. I feel like so much of the last year was for nothing. So much of the love I gave didn’t go where I wanted it to.

I worried so much when Jonathan was gone.  Wow, if worries alone could keep our soldiers safe, I think they all would be.  I can’t explain how hard that was the not knowing.  I’m having a hard time watching/listening to military things still.  All of them remind me of Jonathan, all I see is him, and all of that hope and hurt and worry comes flooding back in. And now pain.  Ten weeks later and still the pain.

All I had for so many months were these pictures. And flowers. How he loved to shower me with flowers.  I loved them so much. Oh how they brightened my world. Even this computer I’m writing on, which was the talk of my life for about 3 weeks.

Then there is the dog tag. I still wear it.I know I shouldn’t.  Its the last tangible thing I have.

I miss him very much. I wonder if he ever reads these.  He told me once that he read everything I wrote because if I took the time to post it, it must be important. I have so many important things to say to him, and I’m sure I’ll never get the chance.

I keep telling myself its easier for me to go cold turkey, have him out of sight out of mind but he’s there all of the time. 

Yes, I initiated the start of this crazy. So you think its my fault?  Maybe it is. How could he have moved on so quickly? He was kissing me on a Tuesday, and letting her spend the night on that Friday. I don’t understand how he could have said the things he said to me about how he loves me and then do that.

I love him so much still how? But it has no where to go. So I just hurt. And I just cry.

Happy Birthday Jonathan.