Blanket.

I’m trying really hard to repurpose this blanket.  This blanket that I spent over 110 hours making.  This blanket that I thought would only take eh, six, maybe seven skeins of yarn. I lost count after 20, and the 5th trip to Michaels.    During the knitting process.

This blanket has been to Iraq.  This blanket has been shipped more farther than many people have traveled. This blanket is so much more than just a blanket to me. Its a promise, its protection, its comfort, and it used to be home.

I spent hours everywhere I was for over 6 weeks making this blanket. In class, at parties, family gatherings, sitting at home on the couch. Each square you see was knitted separately, then sewn together. With each stitch I whispered silent prayers of protection and love into its fibers.

I have never before put so much love, devotion, or dedication into anything I’ve made for someone.

Even now sitting under it, I can feel the energy I used to make it, and the pieces of my soul that are forever intertwined within.

The blanket today, a little used, but oh so loved.

Part of me wants to burn it.  To be done with it. Watch all of that emotion go up in smoke figuratively since it literally already has. But I can’t. I love this blanket so much.  I love what it stood for. I love what it protected. I took it back because it was no longer being used for what I had intended.

It makes me sick to know that he was lying under it with someone else. That is why I took it, but what to do with it now?

I lay under it, and its glorious, heavy and soft, but all I can feel is the loss, the hurt, and the pain. I’m desperately trying to make it mine again.  Take all of that negative energy away, and replace it with mine.

How long will this take?  I don’t know much longer I can keep sleeping under it.  How to make it mine? I don’t know what else to do?

Ugh. Understatement of the century.