What I've decided in the past week

• It is possible to be in love with two people at the same time. I am still in love with Jacob. I have not seen or heard from him since he broke up with me. I miss him, I miss the way we were. I miss our laughter, I miss his friendship, I miss the way he used to touch me. I miss how we would call eachother 5 times a day just to talk about nothing. I miss his family. I miss his sisters and Pasadena/Altadena. I miss Noalie.
  
• Jonathan. What can I say about this wonderful man? He adores me, he loves me. I don't even remember where I said it, but there is a line I love, from Secret Garden. The line talks about the way the lead character loves his wife and I said it as my own one day. I said "I want a man who would walk the earth to get me a blade of grass if I wanted it." I got a letter from him the other day that had a blade of grass in it. I believe I said it to him once. He remembered. I love him. But not with the wild abandon that I fell for Jacob. I'm broken now and scared that the same thing is going to happen. I don't want to believe everything he says only to wake up one day and he decides he does not want to be with me anymore. I don't think I could go through that twice.
• He writes me letters and I love it. A thing I love, and I tried to do for Jacob, Jonathan does without even asking. I get them all the time, in the mail, online, for no reason at all other than to say he loves me and is thinking of me. A small gesture, that means so much. Finally someone who understands.
  
• I will grow as a dancer. I really hate having to check the "I move well" box at an audition. That blows. I've taken only 6 semesters of dance, and while I have retained some, I need to constantly be doing it. I want to be better at it. I am a fantastic singer, and a pretty good actress, and if the dancing thing is a thorn in my side, well the so be it, I'm taking more classes. Jimmy Defore in Costa Mesa is where I will be going. $12 a class for students.
  
• I need to put together an audition book. This is what I love, this is what I want to do. I need to be better prepared. I need to find someone who will help me hone my voice as well and knows the ropes a bit that I can afford.
• I will find the joy in working again. I have lost it and I need to be able to keep that up. Its what's got to hold me together for now.
• Knitting is an expensive hobby. I'm so close to being done with this blanket I can taste it! I just need to finish those few rows and put the border on it. So close! I've figured so far its taken me over 83 hours of work, and around $100. But it will be worth it in the end.
  
• I love my friends. But I knew this already. My family is just not in tune with me. Its my friends who really are. I love them like family.
• Disneyland is a great way to spend a Sunday. I'm going with said friends. Good times ahead.