Sigh.

Kissing you is like kissing a smile.

ATTENTION!

Let it be known that Joel is Samantha!

urgh.....

My head hurts already! Nice to see you Jay! Looking forward to Tuesday.

One step forward, two steps back.

I though I was moving in the right direction. I thought the shades of gray were starting to lighten. I though that the clouds were parting and soon the sunshine would warm me again.


No such luck.


I'm back on the ugly train headed full speed to broken-heartsville. I cried twice today.

For those of you who don't know me well, or at all, let me try to explain why its such a miraculous thing that I'm crying so much. I am not a crier. I am not someone who cries at a Hallmark commercial, or a sappy movie (although I lost it during the Notebook, but so did Carlos). My gays, who are the equivalent to my Samantha, Charlotte, Carrie and Miranda (even though there is only 2 of them) have seen me cry twice. Twice in all the time I've known them, and its been a while.

It seems like everywhere I go, and everything I do I am reminded about our relationship. I feel haunted by this ghost, this precious gem that somehow I was not careful enough with, and it slipped through my fingers.

I was having good days, cheery ones. Today is a setback.

The fact is, I've lost my best friend. I've lost the person who's opinion I held highest. The person I want to call when there is something on my mind. The sounding board that always wanted the best in me, even if I disagreed.

I know he has to do this. I know he has to go out and figure it out on his own. I'm slowly coming to accept that.

I just physically and emotionally ache for him, his love and his touch.

I still can't believe it's gone.

Tired llama.

I have lots to say, but my head is telling me its time for sleep. So here's a picture of a happy llama.

Enjoy.

Better.

I had a much better day today.

I still consider it the same day if you have not gone to sleep yet.

A much better day.

I think I'm on my way out of this stupor.

Yay!

Seriously?

I'm seriously messed up in the head.

I am just not mentally prepared for this. Any of this.

I was at school today meeting with a professor and after a breif and scruff meeting I left the office and got in my car and freakin cried like a baby. Again.

I went into Yoga and spent the better part of an hour and yoga practice getting it together.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why doesn't it ease? Why does it keep getting worse and not better?

I feel on the verge right now. I feel like I've cried all the tears of my entire life in the past three weeks.

urgh.

I don't sleep.

I spent this whole weekend awake it seemed.

Except for when I freaking needed to be somewhere to pick up freaking dry cleaning. I'm such an idiot.

I need to sleep now.

Pain. I just feel nothing but pain.

And I cry at the drop of a freakin dime.

I'm a weepy freakin mess. I hate it. I hate feeling this way.

It would be better if I at least did something wrong, or he did something wrong. Then I could be angry at something not the fact that I wasn't good enough. That I did not love him enough.

Love should be enough. And it wasn't.

So how am I supposed to just stop it? Just stop loving him.

I can't.

Journaling...

Is that really what this is?

I am not so sure.

In communications we talk about knowing your audience. If you know who your audience is then you'll know how to communicate with them easier, the tone and the pace of the piece will be correct. I was once an avid journal-er and the audience for me was always my older self. So I ask myself, who is my audience now?

I know there are a select few who come here and read that know me, but for the most part does anyone one I don't know read these? And if you do why would you be interested in slowly watching me loose my shit? Schadenfreude? That is the only thing I can think of.

I don't edit these things. I put words on the screen as they come out of my brain. I may spell something wrong here or there, but thanks to technology I can at least fix that.

So I don't know if I should change the audience to the general web population or if I should re-focus it to an older, dear god I hop wiser, version of me.

I just want this pain to go away.

I don't think so.

I invited him over tonight. I don't know if that was a good idea or not. My face still sticks with the dried salty tears. I just don't understand.

I cannot even tell you the pain and suffering caused when the one you love stands at the door and says "Goodbye" and all you want is for him to come back, and kiss you and touch your face and tell you that everyting is going to be okay.

But obviously, that is not the case. I could not even look at him when he left. I sat there crying on the couch till the tears would no longer come. Till I thought this all just has to be a dream and my hysteria would eventually wake me up.

I feel lied to. For once in my life and a relationship I was able to totally be myself and when I got told "I need to work on myself right now", I felt like all my confidences, all of my personal intimate details were shoved back in my face and trust and self esteem are broken and splintered. Where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently? I just don't see how doing this alone makes any sense. He used to tell me about the time he was in school and how lonely it was for him, and how much pain that cost thim. I can't imagine how this time now would be better?

Why is it that men see a marriage, and a family as a hindrince? What is that? Jacob talked so much about how the media portrays women as these stick figures and that is why men want that. He told me one day he asked himself if he really liked skinny chicks or if he liked a womanly body, and in his heart it was the womanly body. So why why would you come home to an empty house every night? Why would you want to struggle all alone? Why does he believe what the media portrays in reference to marrage, when not women?

I don't understand.

I know that I am slowly going to leave the denial and cry stage, and morph into the angry stage. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be bitter. I just want him.

Everyone keeps telling me that he'll be back. He'll figure out what's wrong with him, and be back. After tonight, I don't think so.

After tonight, I don't think so at all.